Where to start…

Where to start…

I just keep thinking about what I want to say and make this to be about.  My AVM was discovered a year ago and my craniotomy was done in November 2016.  So, I have been through so many different things over that time.  I jump between starting at day one and giving all of the good, bad, and ugly things up until now.  At the same time, I want to start with where I am now because now is when I seem to be struggling the most.  My brain is part of that problem.  I have trouble focusing sometimes and if I don’t write down the thoughts I have on my mind I tend to forget them when I do decide to write a post.

So, maybe I will start with today and go back as I feel like it.  A craniotomy isn’t a fun thing especially when it involves the speech area.  I still have problems every day.  I’m working, but I’m not happy working.  I do it because I have to pay my bills and keep my health insurance.  It’s hard when I look exactly how like looked a year ago, but my mind doesn’t function the way it did then.  People that don’t know me and even those that do know me don’t really understand the difficulty I have.  I’m an accountant, I prepare the financial reports for the company that I work for.  It was tough when I first went back to work two and a half months after my surgery because I actually had to re-remember things that I could do in my sleep before.  It was overwhelming and it still is today.  I find little things that I still forget how to do and try to avoid questions from co-workers because it is just too much sometimes.  I tell people to email rather than call so I can make sure I understand what they are asking me and I can put together a full response that makes sense.  I’m in a tough position because some jobs may be eliminated where I work and I can’t help but worry that mine will be one of them.  I can’t blame my employer if they go that way because I’m not the person that can just jump in and cover all the bases.  On the other side I need them to keep me because I feel that I won’t be able to find another job.  My mind is in there, it is just not as sharp and quick as it used to be.  Who will want to hire a person that takes too long to learn things, can’t make sense in conversations or answer phone calls.  I stress over this every day.

I guess in writing this it makes me really want to make others understand what a brain injury is like.  Like I said before, I look like me.  People that meet me for the first time would not know that I had brain surgery.  They probably just think I’m a little weird if I simply smile or defer to someone else to do the talking or say “what” multiple times because I couldn’t follow the whole conversation.  I feel like I need to tell every person I talk to that I had brain surgery, and I won’t always say the right thing or that I can’t always remember the word in that sentence.  I don’t want to have to tell everyone, but I want them to understand why I am the way I am.  On many days I want that shaved head back so I don’t have to tell people why I have to leave a room if there is too much noise going on.

My life today is not different from it was last year, but it is more difficult.  I have to pay attention to my body, turn down the noise around me, avoid all the stress going on(so far the hardest thing of all) and get help when I need it.  I’ve been considering making this a private journal for myself, but I guess if anyone reads this and understands or finds some help I would consider it a success.  We’ll see how it goes anyway.  Feel free to ask or comment on anything.  Thanks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s