I started this blog at least a year ago. I wrote a few posts, then I deleted them. I wrote some more and deleted them again. I made my page private and thought I would just post for myself. That didn’t work at all, I completely gave up. So, here I am again. Maybe it will stick this time.
I think part of my trouble in the early days was because I was struggling with aphasia after brain surgery. I thought writing would help me get through it, but it was doing the complete opposite. It pissed me off, it frustrated me, it made me feel completely incapable. I still deal with mild anomic aphasia, but I know that I have it and I’m learning to live with the fact it may always be there.
I also now have epilepsy, something I am really struggling with coming to terms with because I don’t ever really remember being told I could end up having seizures after my brain surgery, but I have no choice in the matter now. I am nervous and anxious on a daily basis because I worry that a seizure will decide to pop up when I least expect it.
This new life started almost two years ago with my first ever seizure at the age of 44. It took a second seizure, a couple EEG’s and an MRI to be diagnosed with an AVM(Arteriovenous Malformation) in the left temporal lobe of my brain. I had an awake craniotomy to remove the AVM, but the expectations that I had of my life going back to normal were simply thrown out the window.
I can’t say life is horrible, it’s just not the me I expected me to be at this time in my life. I am so much more fortunate than others, but I have my bad days. I’m lucky to still have my job, I will be able to drive once I am six months seizure free, I can do anything I could do before…sometimes just not as quickly. I have to writes notes now so I don’t forget things, I have to ask people more than once to repeat themselves because they talk too fast so I can’t understand them or they say too much at once for me to remember everything. I avoid large groups and loud noise because it is just too overwhelming. I found I was really starting to isolate myself because I was afraid to be with people, but I began to realize that not being with people was probably worse.
This is the life I’m trying to deal with right now. I’m hoping to keep moving forward and make the rest of it mean something.